Kiss5Tigers

The 5 Tigers represent the big things in life. This blog is about facing them.


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Wonderettes and Prime

Went to the Ennis Public Theater with my roommates. A friend of ours is in a musical called The Marvelous Wonderettes and we were privileged to watch the dress rehearsal. It was a fun night out and the actresses all seemed to enjoy themselves. I mean, it’s community theater, you don’t expect lavish productions and Broadway quality acting. It was as good as any high school play I’ve ever seen and the cast had fun. That’s what I go for. It was a good time.

When I got home, one of the dogs had chewed the padding off my headphones. These are not earbuds but the old fashioned kind of over-the-ear headphones. They keep me from getting too much outside noise when I’m listening, and my content doesn’t disturb the roommates. Because I usually work in the living room with the people around, that’s why. So I went to Amazon to replace them. Of course the same ones were out of stock with no information about when they’d be available again, so I had to order a different pair.

Then I started to think about free shipping. If I spend a certain amount of money, I get free shipping. So I ordered a book called The War of Art and some Dresden trim and Diamond Glaze for making collages. Then I added a data cord for a digital camera I was gifted. Totaled it all up and figured I’d better stop spending. Went to check out and was offered the free 2 day shipping option so I took it.

Well of course it wasn’t because I spent enough — I did, but with different vendors — so it comes with a free trial of Prime. I hope I like their video offerings because I don’t really order that much from Amazon. Of course I can always cancel later if it doesn’t work out.

My new book Ephemera arrived from Uppercase today. I love ephemera. I even love the word. And this book is actually about ephemera itself, not artists who work with it, so it makes my little heart happy.

I also got a batch of postcards that I had made from a picture I took. If you want one, contact me and we’ll figure it out. If you follow the link and email me, be sure to let me know you want a postcard so I don’t ignore you. I get a LOT of junk email, a wicked lot.

Tomorrow is breakfast with the roommates and a support group meeting. I really need those support groups, they give my day structure. I strongly recommend peer support groups as part of a wellness plan. And that’s for everybody! Mine happen to be mental health related, but even a Bible study group or a meet-up gathering provides support and community. Support comes from any number of places.

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What I’ve Been Doing

I was sitting here drinking the coffee that my roommate L has made for me and I realized that you don’t know what I actually do with my time while I’m demobilized.  I’ve done a fair amount of complaining about things and I’ve certainly shared my (mis)adventures, but really life is pretty good and I want to share some of that.

I sleep most days until 9 or 10 in the morning.  I usually wake up with my cats cuddled up to me, which makes me happy.  If you have pets, you understand this.  Or children, I suppose, though as a mother I dislike comparing pets and children.

I get up and check facebook and email and other online things I’m working on.  I take my morning meds and eat some peanut butter toast.  I like the way the hot toast melts the peanut butter.  Usually by then L is up so there is coffee.  Now you may ask why I don’t make my own coffee since I certainly know how.  The truth is, we use a French press and the thing is just a pain to clean.  I am lazy.  That’s my big secret.  If L makes the coffee, she cleans it up.  Yup, that’s it, silly as it is.

Most days I go to a support group.  I use a peer run support group cluster that is available through a local mental health facility.  It’s free.  Mondays is DBSA, the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance and we are working out of a book about managing life while struggling with a behavioral health concern.  Tuesday is Recovery International which has a very formal method.  It does however teach you to deal with daily life, something I don’t always do very well.  Wednesday is the PTSD group.  I don’t have PTSD but nobody is without trauma.  Thursday is a depression support group.  Friday is ATTA, which stands for Achievement Through the Arts.  It’s for artists with brain differences, so there is a mix of people with issues ranging from schizophrenia to injury.  Most of these groups meet for 2 hours, so that gives me a whole lotta free time.

I have been writing letters.  I have an extensive mailing list that I am trying to send everybody something and see who writes back.  Then I’ll keep up with the respondents.  I like getting mail and to get mail, one must send mail.

I also have been working on the 100 Hats project.  I want to sell them but I suspect most of them will wind up donated.  And that’s fine, for me the joy is in the making.  Speaking of making, I am working on some art pieces as well.  One of them is based on my friend K’s living room.

I stay up with my roommates until around 1 in the morning, then I lay in bed on the phone until 2 then I sleep.  So 10 am is really 8 hours of sleep, which is good for me.

I do see friends and go out to eat and run errands.  It makes for a pretty full life, but I would like to be deployed again.  Not that I wish for bad things to happen, but when a disaster hits, I am ready.


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Being unfriended

I got a private message from someone saying that my comments on her posts only make her feel worse so she was going to unfriend me.  She must have already blocked me because I just happened to be online so I read the message almost as soon as it was posted and I wasn’t able to reply to her.

This makes me sad.  I didn’t know I was bothering her with my comments.  I wish she had said something before it got to this point.  I wish I knew better how to connect with her.

I know her from a mental health support group.  I assume she has issues, but then I have issues.  We all have issues there.  That’s why we’re in a mental health support group in the first place.  I would usually go to that group for feedback, but I don’t feel like I can.  I don’t want to piss her off even more, for a start, but I also don’t want to open myself up to trolling if I really am a jerk.

I don’t think I’m a jerk, but it matters what other people think of me.  Not a lot, but some.  I mean, you can hardly be a jerk to yourself but you might not see how you are being a jerk to other people.  We all get nearsighted and can’t see how what we did affects others.

So tell me I am being difficult for you before you get to the point where all you can do is run away.  I thought we were getting to know each other, but apparently that didn’t cut both ways.  I am sad.  I’m sad that she unfriended me and I’m sad that she didn’t speak up sooner and I’m sad that I don’t know what I did.

 


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I am not alone

I know I’m not alone in my disorder. I actually know of at least 6 other bipolar people who are in my current or past circle of friends. I’m not the only one.

But sometimes it feels like it.

So as an American how am I handling it? I’m looking for a support group.

Do you have any idea how many support groups there are for functional bipolar people? Surprisingly few. I guess folks figure we don’t need support.

I am running into two difficulties. Well, no, one difficulty that presents two ways: timing.

I work during the day, so no I cannot attend your 10:00 am group. I need my job. That’s how I have health insurance and pay my rent. I can’t blow off the job for your group, even though I need to hear from people who get what I’m going through. I also can’t go to your group that meets at 7:30 pm. I get up for work about 5:00 in the morning, I need to be home in bed by 9:00 or so, not saying good night and thinking about driving.

Of course the driving after dark is a whole ‘nother issue, as you might recall from my issue with fog.

There are no weekend groups, at least not that I’ve found for adults. And there are very few evening groups so they seem to be competing. Why are they all on Thursday? If you know the DBSA has a regular Thursday evening group, why is the MHA starting another one on the same night? Surely it would make more sense to meet on a different night. Some people might even go to both, you never know.

But I need to be able to talk about what it’s like to struggle with this disorder, with other people who are also facing it. So I will soon make a decision and we’ll see what happens.