The 5 Tigers represent the big things in life. This blog is about facing them.

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Road Trip

I went with my friends T and B to Boomtown in Bossier City, LA.

Now this was a nice drive. I enjoy T. He is, as they say, unencumbered by truth. He tells some amazing stories, which are very entertaining, but I have known him long enough to know that they change over time.

I remember one story, about a song called The Sailor’s Prayer. We had just listened to it on a recording from a renaissance faire. That night, T said he’d heard that particular group sing it at a certain faire. That’s reasonable. By the third time I heard the story, the group sang it to T when he left the faire at the end. Less believable, and downright unbelievable if you’ve watched the story evolve over a week. I enjoy him, but by all means, take what he says with a grain of salt.

B is his ex wife. I’m not sure why they got married, she doesn’t seem like his type but who am I to make that determination? And he is often very angry with her, some of it justified and some of it simply judgmental. I like her. She’s a little pedantic – her word, not mine – and she is not adventurous. She likes her house and her bed.

They both referred to the other as bipolar. I am bipolar, I have some idea of what it is and what it’s not. Suddenly losing your temper, not it. That’s just getting fed up and acting out. In T’s case, it could be related to his very bad diabetes. As for B, well, I’d say she has anxiety and maybe PTSD, not that I’m a diagnostician. But more she gets pushed to her limit then loses it.

So there were a few tense moments on the trip, because as well as you get along with an ex, there’s no one like an ex for pushing your buttons. Most of the time they were fine.

I didn’t win big at Boomtown so we’ll just pass that part.

Sunday I spent sleeping. You would think there’d been more excitement in my weekend. But I did sleep on the floor of an apartment in Longview, so that’s probably why I was a little worn out.

Apparently I have sleep apnea. My friends noticed that I stop breathing in the night. It’s not the snoring that’s a problem, although it is a nuisance to other sleepers. It’s the not breathing that causes the problems. I have a theory that sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is sleep apnea in babies. It’s probably not original, but I haven’t done any real studying of either syndrome so it seems like a match to my uneducated self.

What I didn’t tell them is that sometimes I forget to breathe when I’m awake. I gather this is the kind of thing that’s supposed to be automatic but for me, not so much. Just one more thing my body does wrong I guess.

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Yeah, I’m Manic

Or at least I’m hypomanic, since I am not psychotic.

I feel like I could stay up all night again, I have things to do! I’m not over excited, I’m just darn busy.

Except of course Fred will make me put the light off so I can’t really write letters or work on my ecourse.

I bought a collection of wellness stuff. Of course it’s designed for active people which I am not. But since I am trying to eat more responsibly, I figured the protein bars would make a good breakfast. I am getting deucedly tired of eggs.

I ate a rice krispies bar with breakfast this morning and it was SO good. I’m thinking of having another one in a little while.

See? I just ADHD’ed my way into another topic. Squirrel! Wellness stuff right to I want a snack. Another sign of mania for me.

Anyway, here is the stuff:

shipment of good stuff

So 3 boxes of snack bars, 2 supplements, 2 energy boosters, a box of water flavors, and the chocolate shake mix with the mixing bottle. I figure it will make for a different breakfast if nothing else, and see what happens. Maybe a protein shake and an energy bar will see me through the day and I can finally get that fasting started.

I did see my psychiatrist the other day, and he agreed with me that maybe I should increase the mood stabilizer back up a notch. He thinks I have sleep apnea, however, and that’s the reason I have a hard time waking up, that I’m not sleeping well. I don’t mind doing the sleep study, but I’m not gonna sleep with the mask on. I am not comfortable sleeping on my back and I feel claustrophobic just thinking of wearing the elephant nose.

But it’s the shopping that has me a little worried. I’ve bought the wellness stuff in the picture, and some books, and some socks, and a box of cards. Oh, and stamps. And that’s just in the last 24 hours. That doesn’t include all the art supplies or the yarn that I have sitting in a cart or the zines that came the other day. Or the trip to the metaphysical shop. Or the bizarre bazaar. I love shopping, but I have to get it under control. This is too much. It’s stuff I don’t need. It’s not about the money, although I could easily spend way too much money; it’s about not needing things and buying them anyway.

And I want to say, except books. Because to me books are a special kind of magic. But even books with no place to go are clutter. Even very cool books. It breaks my heart, but it’s true.

Just naming the mania makes it better. I feel like, I am not in the grips of it, I am observing it and I can choose to feed it or not. And mostly I choose not.

I’ve had a little paranoia lately, thinking people are mad at me or talking about me when they aren’t. It seems reasonable in my head that folks are having emotions about me. How self centered! People are too busy with their own lives to worry that much about me. I mean, I’m wonderful and amazing, but so is everybody else. I’m not any more interesting than your own life. In fact, in a perfect world, your life is the most fascinating one for you. (I know what I want to say, I just can’t seem to say it gracefully.)

Hopefully in the next few days this will pass. The increase in meds should help. The fact that bipolar is cyclical should help. Convincing myself to sleep should help.

I have a lot of reading to do. I’m going to try reading a little and see if that settles me down into sleep. Better sleep hygiene will help with everything.