Why ambivalent, you may ask? Surely I am either looking for a job or not looking. And well that’s the thing.
I’ve been a month with no income now and I am totally broke. I didn’t think I’d have to wait this long to be deployed. So I need some sort of paying gig for the next little while. I will be checking out local food pantries for grocery assistance but I need to work for my mental health. Days are starting to run together. The other day I seriously asked my roommate if it was Saturday. It was Tuesday. Not good.
If I need to take a job, I’d like it to be something I’m interested in. I think I would like to be a peer support specialist but I am not certified for it. I believe I could do it, I just don’t meet the qualifications on paper. I have completed the classwork but I don’t have hours as an intern and I can’t afford to work for free. I also don’t have a degree yet. I only owe 3 classes, but I also owe the school money and until that is handled, there will be no classes for me. Unfortunately, nobody cares how far along the degree process you are. If you haven’t finished, you might as well be in your first semester, years of work don’t count.
I get lists of jobs every day from Indeed and CareerBuilder. CareerBuilder has lately been sending me engineering jobs. I don’t understand that. Nothing about my resume says engineer. Indeed sends me everything containing the word “peer” and the word “specialist” so that’s a pretty wide variety of options, very few of them in mental health.
I like my job with the government and would like to be doing it, but this no income stuff is bull. I need money, doesn’t matter what I like. On the other hand, I can’t spend 8 hours a day hating what I do. Either I need something I could be committed to and give up the government position or I need something I don’t hate that I could quit at a moment’s notice when I get deployed. Since this is civil service, not military, there is no requirement for the employer to keep a job for me. I hate to take a job knowing I would leave it, but . . .
So why am I ambivalent? Because I don’t know what I want. I look half-heartedly in case there is something really good out there. I apply to jobs I’m probably not qualified for because of the pay or my interest. I am required to make a certain number of applications per week while I’m collecting unemployment, if someone decides to pay me. But I really want to just do the job I am already hired to do.
I don’t want bad things to happen to people, but I need a disaster to happen so I can work. And I am ambivalent about that, too.
It’s hard to hold two separate and opposite ideas in mind, and yet here I am.
Something good will happen soon and this will be a non-issue, I just have to hold on until then.