I have decided that I’d like to date again, even have a long term relationship. This is huge for me, this is something I never thought I’d do again. Truly it has been 10 years since my last relationship. I figured I was on my own until the end of my life, when I would move back in with my daughter.
The biggest problem is, how do you meet people? When you’re young, you just meet. You go out with friends and meet their friends. You meet people at school or at work. Then you settle down and family life takes over. I was single into my 30’s so I lost a LOT of friends to marriage and family. I don’t begrudge that, I think it’s to be expected. Family takes energy and time so you just don’t have it for outside activities. That’s okay. But it does mean that your single friends move on in different ways and maybe you aren’t that close any more. So you’re on your own more and more and eventually you’re used to being alone. How do you get out of that rut?
I asked my friend B. The first thing is, he had to clarify to me that even though he was dating someone and is not now, that he is not looking for a relationship. I must be a real dog in that any time I talk to single guy friends about relationships, they feel a need to be clear that they aren’t interested in me. I don’t assume they are. And I’m probably not interested in them. After all, if there was mutual interest, we’d already be more than friends. I just figured, if you want to meet single guys, ask a single guy where he goes to meet women. B did tell me two places: church and online. I’m not churchy, so online it is.
My friend K has been looking for a partner for some time now. She has had good luck with online dating sites so I asked her what she thought. She told me a little about the ones she’s used — which ones were more hook up sites and which ones were more relationship oriented. So now I’m on a few websites, seeing what I find. (If you’re reading this and you want to know me, I suggest contacting me in the comments. And I’m talking about friends, not just dating.) Now K is beautiful so she gets lots of responses, I am middle aged and plain so I get fewer responses, but I have noticed a few patterns.
Yes I have a job. No I am not working at the moment. My job is an on-call disaster relief position so I only work when there is a disaster. There is not a disaster at the moment so I am not working. I don’t have a call-back date because disasters don’t come on a schedule. I will not be going back to work on Monday, this is not a vacation, it is a furlough.
Having said that I am not currently working, I want to clarify that I don’t expect you to support me. I can support myself. I am not a gold digger. I am not looking for a man to take financial care of me. To balance that, I don’t make enough money to support another person (if I did, it would be my daughter), so don’t expect me to pay for your life.
I don’t want to go dutch. I don’t have extra money at the moment, so I can’t afford to do a lot of activities. But even if I was rich, I would want the man to pay for dates. Unless I asked, in that case I would expect to pay. The thing here is, I have had a number of serious relationships where all the resources went to the man’s benefit. Now if you want my interest, you need to be willing so spend a little money on me too. Not for my necessities, I can pay my own rent and utilities, I am an adult; but gosh pay for dinner or bring flowers or something that makes me feel like you think I’m worth the effort.
Please take the time and pay attention to actually know me. If I have told you three times that I am furloughed, don’t keep asking how my day at work is going. If you asked me when the last time was that I flashed someone and I stopped talking, accept that this is not going to be a hook up. If I don’t ask you about your blow job comment, don’t send me a dick pic. If I say I read Charles de Lint, don’t recommend John Grisham. Or at least ask me what kind of books Charles de Lint writes. Know that my taste runs to steampunk industrial and don’t buy me american traditional. Even though I love Frank Lloyd Wright. I am smart and open minded and unfortunately I don’t have a sense of humor. I am what I am and it’s not going to change much at this point.
So here I am venting. I don’t think I’m unreasonable, just a little worked up at the moment. Frustrated. And trying to make it work out. Because I don’t want to be alone any more.