Kiss5Tigers

The 5 Tigers represent the big things in life. This blog is about facing them.


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I Need to Get My Meds Regulated

I am not managing life right now. I mean, I am, but it feels harder than usual.

I had nothing to do today and I wanted to get out of the house. I ended up at Half Price Books working on some outgoing mail. I sent a letter to Fishspit and a couple of add-and-pass items out, and I sent altered cards to a couple of new contacts.

I also met a woman named Jana. She told me she was 79 but she sure didn’t look it. She was interested in astrology and past lives, she says she believes in God, and she is a Trump supporter. She was quite interesting. She suggested a group called College of Complexes, which she is finding to be overrun with liberals, so I would probably enjoy it a great deal. I’m planning to go next Saturday, since the topic is creativity.

I can’t wait for tomorrow to happen. Monday is so much easier for me. I hope to work out in the late morning then go to group in the afternoon. I have a plan. I have things to do. I hate weekends with nothing to do.

My friend K has a boyfriend. I’m glad for her, but she turns out to be one of those people who is too busy for her single friends when she has a boyfriend, and that makes me sad. I haven’t seen her in a month and I can’t seem to get her to text long enough to make plans. I’m a little frustrated. But hopefully the infatuation will level out and she’ll get back in touch. I don’t want to be just a filler friend for when there’s no boyfriend. I need to talk to her about this but like I said, I can’t seem to get her attention at the moment.

I tried to spend some time with my daughter today, but she had her boyfriend, and I don’t want to interrupt that. I mean, he’s a good guy and he wants to be a provider so her difficulties with work aren’t a deterrent. We’ll see what happens. He’s supposed to move in sometime in the next month, once he gets his car working. Because right now he can ride to work with a roommate, if he moves in with my daughter he needs to be able to get to work on his own.

So I am feeling very much my singleness. Even my roommates are a couple, and I am reminded a few times a day that I am an afterthought in the household. Not that they’re mean or anything, just that they are clearly a unit and I am, well, the extra person.

On top of this, I ran out of one of my meds the other day, and with the health insurance issue, I wasn’t able to fill the prescription. I have found another source, however I didn’t take it for a couple of days. I can really feel the difference it made. It will take a few days for things to stabilize again. In the meantime, I am a little emotional and melancholic, and it lends itself to feeling sorry for myself.

No, not exactly feeling sorry for myself, more like feeling like there is an instruction manual that other people got and I somehow didn’t. Like I’m trying to play a game where nobody will explain the rules. I feel puzzled and a little out of the loop. Which I understand to be very “on the spectrum” feelings. I have wondered if I have Asperger’s, though that is probably just speculation. I have spent enough time in psychiatrists’ offices in the last 5 years that I bet they’d’ve noticed it by now.

I can’t help thinking, but I’m afraid of disappearing up my own backside. It’s starting to be all hamsters and rabbit holes in my head. I need to distract myself. I think I’ll work on some mail art. I don’t have any particular inspiration but you never know what you’ll come up with.


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I Got the Vest

I work at Michael’s now. It’s official. I even have the red vest. It’s a very busy store so I work registers and get no minute to breathe but that’s good. The job would be boring if I wasn’t busy, just standing at a register waiting. I am still very slow at checking people out but I can do it. I’ll get speedy with practice. Or at least speedier.

It has rained twice tonight, just sudden downpour out of nowhere. I am cold and sitting in my jeans with a blanket across my lap. I will sleep with 2 blankets in bed tonight.

I need to tell work that I’m not available on Thursdays. I am facilitating group the next 3 weeks, and I have DBSA meetings on alternate Thursday nights. It’s easier to just request the day off than to have them try to keep track of it.

I want to write a letter to my friend Fishspit. I owe him a letter. I owe lots of people letters. I have been particularly unmotivated to write lately. I haven’t even journalled in months. I miss journalling.

I am thinking of NaNoWriMo this month (November) but I have no idea how I’ll manage all that writing with my current slackerly attitude.

I need to work on my ecourse. I paid for the course for that so I really should take advantage.

Speaking of courses I’ve paid for, there is my Japanese course on Rosetta Stone and my life coach courses on Udemy. I really need to get on with it.

I mean, I get up in the morning and fall asleep because I just can’t find anything to stay awake for. Well, there are 3 things right there. Not to mention my new shopping club.

I want dessert. I want amazing dessert, not just some cookies. I want hot pecan pie with ice cream. Or chocolate mousse or creme brulee. Rice pudding. Chocolate lava cake. Fried ice cream. I don’t know, just something. I would probably be happy with rice krispie treats or those yogurt covered pretzels. But here I am, drinking my water, eating some mixed nuts in a single serving package.

I left my meds box in Longview on the road trip. I thought T was gonna bring it by tonight, but I guess not. Weather is too icky for me to want to drive up there. I figure I’ll get it tomorrow or the next day.

I am almost out of meds at the moment, I’ll have to call the pharmacy. I have to call the doctor too. I got an automated call to remind me of an appointment on Friday, but I can’t make it so I chose the “reschedule” option. The system said, “Your appointment has been rescheduled” and hung up on me. I’m like, rescheduled for when? Because I’m thinking that’s something else I have to move to Thursday. I tried to call back but the outgoing message said the office was closed.

I am feeling my singleness very keenly lately. I want a companion. I wouldn’t mind a little sex but a warm body to sleep next to would be perfect. Someone to share adventures. But I am somehow not right. I don’t know if I’m not pretty enough or if it’s because I have no sense of humor or if they can smell the bipolar on me. I wish I could figure it out because then I could fix it. Or choose not to, but at least it would be a choice, not just the way things are.

Well, off to take my meds. Good night.


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Working the WRAP

WRAP is Wellness Recovery Action Plan, and I’ve talked about it in some detail in other posts so I won’t bore you.

I am struggling with spending.

I am spending money I don’t really have to spare.

I can’t seem to halt the behavior.

So it’s time to get out my WRAP notebook.

What can I do when this takes over?

Oh, turn over the bank card to someone else! That really scares me so it’s probably the one I’d better do. Tank up the car, get a couple dollars in cash so I can get a coke or a coffee, and take the bank card out of my purse.

Scary.

Really scary.

What else can I do?

Use up the art supplies I already have. Make art. Making art makes me happy, and most of my spending is on art supplies which want to be used. Make art seems like a good plan.

I have 2 online courses I’m taking, I could listen to one of them.

I need a shower before I see my family tomorrow.

I am owning my faults and blogging about them *right now* as I am typing this. I’m not sure if that’s helpful except that it’s always helpful to be honest and start from truth.

I can sleep. I just finished dinner and I have full-belly sleepiness. Nap is possible.

I think . . . I think I will listen to one of my courses, and maybe do some journaling or write some letters. I have a letter to Fishspit to finish. Then the shower before bed.

And I will not get on Amazon or Etsy, even though I want to.

Because the medicine keeps the feelings under control and this is just behavior. I can change behavior. I can do this.