Kiss5Tigers

The 5 Tigers represent the big things in life. This blog is about facing them.


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Facebook Dating

Lately it seems like everyone around me is coupling up.

Now I’m happy for my friends, but it makes me a little melancholy. I get tired of being alone. Friends are busy with their new love and I am left to my own devices.

So I got curious. What were they doing that I wasn’t? Was I fundamentally flawed in some way, or was it something I could do differently?

I asked K. She said she met her guy on Facebook dating and they hit it off right away. They had only known each other a couple of weeks when Covid became an issue. They decided that they wanted to be quarantined together and they’ve been together ever since.

I asked V. She said she also met her guy on Facebook dating. They shared many interests and values. She was nervous to meet him in person. They’ve known each other a month and already have decided to get married.

I’m not looking to live together or get married that fast, but there seemed to be a pattern. These were real matches not just hooking up. I can get laid if all I want is sex; I want a connection with somebody. This seemed like a promising route. I filled out a profile and went to work.

Now I’m a little picky. I have a physical type I prefer so I was able to rule out some people who simply didn’t appeal to me. I hate being that shallow, but I know that I like a tall man with some meat on him. Facial hair is good though not a requirement. I like long hair on men, but really, by my age (over 50) long hair isn’t always a good look. So smile at the pictures of 30 year olds but scroll past. Age was a factor. I want someone with whom I can have a conversation. Under 53 years old I mostly skipped.

Next I am profile picky. Please say something about yourself. Blank profiles don’t interest me. Three-word profiles don’t say much about you. Now some things say a lot about you. If you tell me in your profile that you are anti gun control or pro Trump or God fearing, I know we are a poor match. You might be hot, but I would be so frustrated with you! I like to see several pictures, not just head shots. I also think the questions are useful because they give you something to write about.

I chose a few guys to “like” and waited to see what happened. Most of them don’t have the skills to keep my interest while texting. I’m sure they’re great guys, they’re just not MY guy. But nobody was creepy and it was fun. I didn’t expect true love, maybe a dinner or coffee at some point. So it was a semi successful experiment.

And then.

And then I ran across this one profile. They guy seemed a little goofy and somewhat geeky, which is pretty much my wheelhouse. He said he was good at making baklava and he was interested in hypnosis. I like baklava. He said Doctor Who was his favorite show. I like Doctor Who. Interesting.

I looked at his photos. Middle aged guy, blue eyes, various facial hair, some with a shaved head some with hair. He played with filters in some of the pictures so I knew he was a little goofy.

What the hell. Like.

It wasn’t long before I got a reply. We texted. Within an hour, he asked if he could call me. That was interesting. I said yes. He called, I expected some banter and maybe phone sex. We talked a while, then we talked some more. A lot more. And when we got off the phone, we were done with Facebook dating.

We met in person on Friday. We went out for Mexican food and a little flirting. Who am I kidding? The food was good, the time together better. We kissed a lot. We went to Andy’s for ice cream, and I let the thing melt. I love a Snow Monster, and I was instead captivated by the man sitting next to me. We went to a park and made out like teenagers.

Saturday I went to a pool party. I passed within 10 miles of his house (we don’t live near each other) so I called. We got together again. He greeted me with a hug and whispered in my ear, “Take me with you.” Proof that even if you love your family, you can have too much. We went to a little restaurant with a bar and closed the place. We sat in front of his house for a long time. Eventually I got thirsty and we ended up on the sofa in his home office. No sex but such fun.

It’s been a week since I’ve seen him. We talk every day for too many hours about a wide range of topics. We are very similar without being identical. I’ve known this man a week, and we wish we could be together more. He’ll come out on Saturday so we can spend the day. We have a weekend planned in a couple of weeks.

I saw him for lunch today. Barely half an hour, but so worth it. We split an entree at Chili’s and dashed back to meet my boss. It was so good to see him. We sat side by side in a booth with our legs touching. I was so conscious of his knee next to mine! He put his arm around my shoulders. It’s the little things and those stand out to me.

So really, if you’re looking for dating, I can recommend Facebook dating app. All those years of gathering data on us have paid off in a tremendous way.


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Ah, Dating. No I’m Not Doing It But I Might Wish I Was

Thinking about dating again.

Thinking I might like to be dating again.

It’s been a long time since I thought that.

But let’s be clear, I actually mean dating. It is not a euphemism for fucking. I am at a weird place where I really don’t care that much about sex. I understand it’s common for those of us going through menopause. Maybe it’s just not knowing someone I’m attracted to. Or the few who I might think are cute, aren’t interested in me.

Attraction is a funny thing. Physical is part of it. Now I have friends who thing people are good looking that I don’t agree, but I’d never say that to them. You think he’s hot, he’s hot. Not my version of hot, but that’s okay. And yet the most beautiful person can be ugly inside. And I’ve dated some people who were not good looking but their personality made them attractive. So sure, I have a list of physical preferences, but I’m not married to them.

My biggest part is my must-have list. Must have a job. I can’t tell you how many boyfriends I’ve had where I’m the bread winner. Nice if he has a career rather than just a job, but shit happens. Must have his own car. I used to say, must have his own place, but now not so much. I mean, by my age, people often move back home to take care of parents. I have roommates because with my job it doesn’t make sense for me to pay for an apartment that I’m gone from for months at a time. Handy is good, but if he isn’t handy, have the money to pay for repairs. Not everyone is good with cars, but getting the brakes done shouldn’t be a hardship.

Then traits. Let’s see . . . Smart. Doesn’t have to be highly educated but can’t be ignorant. Probably liberal or at least progressive; conservative would probably kill me. Some kind of creative life, whether it’s building stuff in the basement or playing guitar. Cat person, because I will have cats. Cares about people, so that would be . . . humanitarian? Some kind of spiritual life but not a fundamentalist or an evangelical. It’s just not my shtick. Be active. I don’t mean athletic but I do mean like to get out of the house and do stuff most days. I don’t want someone who spends every weekend crashed on the sofa “watching” football or NASCAR. I want to do stuff on the weekend. I’m not much of a sports person so that would be a bad match for him.

Be honest. I have been married to a manipulative liar, I don’t need that again. Be trustworthy. Be into me. I have dated that, too, where I know someone is settling for me. That’s no fun. But don’t be obsessive. I don’t want to live in your back pocket, don’t want you in mine. Choose me, don’t cling, I get claustrophobic. Trust me. I am not going to hurt you because I choose you. Fight fair. Arguments are going to happen, though I prefer to keep them to a minimum, but listen to my side, don’t just yell me down. My concerns are important too. Support me emotionally. I can support myself financially — I can’t support both of us — but I can always use encouragement. Be kind not just nice.

Teenage to adult children are okay but not required. Divorced is understandable. Pets are okay, even the unusual ones like reptiles or hedgehogs. Hobbies or interests are a good thing. Be a sci fi buff or a theater geek or a homebrewer or something. I prefer something I can share with him, but that’s not cast in stone. I mean, I want to spend time doing my hobbies and hanging with the girls, he should be able to pursue his interests and hang with the boys.

Oh, and I am back to the ex’es. Don’t lie to me. Don’t say things with the intent of deceiving me. Don’t be looking for the next girlfriend. Don’t put your vices ahead of me. Don’t mock me. Don’t put me down to your friends. Don’t ignore me. Don’t avoid me. I have had men do all those things. And they hurt.

I need to think some more, now, about what I bring to the table. Because otherwise I am just making demands, and that’s not fair.


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Meeting People and My Work

I have decided that I’d like to date again, even have a long term relationship.  This is huge for me, this is something I never thought I’d do again.  Truly it has been 10 years since my last relationship.  I figured I was on my own until the end of my life, when I would move back in with my daughter.

The biggest problem is, how do you meet people?  When you’re young, you just meet.  You go out with friends and meet their friends.  You meet people at school or at work.  Then you settle down and family life takes over.  I was single into my 30’s so I lost a LOT of friends to marriage and family.  I don’t begrudge that, I think it’s to be expected.  Family takes energy and time so you just don’t have it for outside activities.  That’s okay.  But it does mean that your single friends move on in different ways and maybe you aren’t that close any more.  So you’re on your own more and more and eventually you’re used to being alone.  How do you get out of that rut?

I asked my friend B.  The first thing is, he had to clarify to me that even though he was dating someone and is not now, that he is not looking for a relationship.  I must be a real dog in that any time I talk to single guy friends about relationships, they feel a need to be clear that they aren’t interested in me.  I don’t assume they are.  And I’m probably not interested in them.  After all, if there was mutual interest, we’d already be more than friends.  I just figured, if you want to meet single guys, ask a single guy where he goes to meet women.  B did tell me two places:  church and online.  I’m not churchy, so online it is.

My friend K has been looking for a partner for some time now.  She has had good luck with online dating sites so I asked her what she thought.  She told me a little about the ones she’s used — which ones were more hook up sites and which ones were more relationship oriented.  So now I’m on a few websites, seeing what I find.  (If you’re reading this and you want to know me, I suggest contacting me in the comments.  And I’m talking about friends, not just dating.)  Now K is beautiful so she gets lots of responses, I am middle aged and plain so I get fewer responses, but I have noticed a few patterns.

Yes I have a job.  No I am not working at the moment.  My job is an on-call disaster relief position so I only work when there is a disaster.  There is not a disaster at the moment so I am not working.  I don’t have a call-back date because disasters don’t come on a schedule.  I will not be going back to work on Monday, this is not a vacation, it is a furlough.

Having said that I am not currently working, I want to clarify that I don’t expect you to support me.  I can support myself.  I am not a gold digger.  I am not looking for a man to take financial care of me.  To balance that, I don’t make enough money to support another person (if I did, it would be my daughter), so don’t expect me to pay for your life.

I don’t want to go dutch.  I don’t have extra money at the moment, so I can’t afford to do a lot of activities.  But even if I was rich, I would want the man to pay for dates.  Unless I asked, in that case I would expect to pay.  The thing here is, I have had a number of serious relationships where all the resources went to the man’s benefit.  Now if you want my interest, you need to be willing so spend a little money on me too.  Not for my necessities, I can pay my own rent and utilities, I am an adult; but gosh pay for dinner or bring flowers or something that makes me feel like you think I’m worth the effort.

Please take the time and pay attention to actually know me.  If I have told you three times that I am furloughed, don’t keep asking how my day at work is going.  If you asked me when the last time was that I flashed someone and I stopped talking, accept that this is not going to be a hook up.  If I don’t ask you about your blow job comment, don’t send me a dick pic.  If I say I read Charles de Lint, don’t recommend John Grisham.  Or at least ask me what kind of books Charles de Lint writes.  Know that my taste runs to steampunk industrial and don’t buy me american traditional.  Even though I love Frank Lloyd Wright.  I am smart and open minded and unfortunately I don’t have a sense of humor.  I am what I am and it’s not going to change much at this point.

So here I am venting.  I don’t think I’m unreasonable, just a little worked up at the moment.  Frustrated.  And trying to make it work out.  Because I don’t want to be alone any more.