Kiss5Tigers

The 5 Tigers represent the big things in life. This blog is about facing them.


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Ah, Dating. No I’m Not Doing It But I Might Wish I Was

Thinking about dating again.

Thinking I might like to be dating again.

It’s been a long time since I thought that.

But let’s be clear, I actually mean dating. It is not a euphemism for fucking. I am at a weird place where I really don’t care that much about sex. I understand it’s common for those of us going through menopause. Maybe it’s just not knowing someone I’m attracted to. Or the few who I might think are cute, aren’t interested in me.

Attraction is a funny thing. Physical is part of it. Now I have friends who thing people are good looking that I don’t agree, but I’d never say that to them. You think he’s hot, he’s hot. Not my version of hot, but that’s okay. And yet the most beautiful person can be ugly inside. And I’ve dated some people who were not good looking but their personality made them attractive. So sure, I have a list of physical preferences, but I’m not married to them.

My biggest part is my must-have list. Must have a job. I can’t tell you how many boyfriends I’ve had where I’m the bread winner. Nice if he has a career rather than just a job, but shit happens. Must have his own car. I used to say, must have his own place, but now not so much. I mean, by my age, people often move back home to take care of parents. I have roommates because with my job it doesn’t make sense for me to pay for an apartment that I’m gone from for months at a time. Handy is good, but if he isn’t handy, have the money to pay for repairs. Not everyone is good with cars, but getting the brakes done shouldn’t be a hardship.

Then traits. Let’s see . . . Smart. Doesn’t have to be highly educated but can’t be ignorant. Probably liberal or at least progressive; conservative would probably kill me. Some kind of creative life, whether it’s building stuff in the basement or playing guitar. Cat person, because I will have cats. Cares about people, so that would be . . . humanitarian? Some kind of spiritual life but not a fundamentalist or an evangelical. It’s just not my shtick. Be active. I don’t mean athletic but I do mean like to get out of the house and do stuff most days. I don’t want someone who spends every weekend crashed on the sofa “watching” football or NASCAR. I want to do stuff on the weekend. I’m not much of a sports person so that would be a bad match for him.

Be honest. I have been married to a manipulative liar, I don’t need that again. Be trustworthy. Be into me. I have dated that, too, where I know someone is settling for me. That’s no fun. But don’t be obsessive. I don’t want to live in your back pocket, don’t want you in mine. Choose me, don’t cling, I get claustrophobic. Trust me. I am not going to hurt you because I choose you. Fight fair. Arguments are going to happen, though I prefer to keep them to a minimum, but listen to my side, don’t just yell me down. My concerns are important too. Support me emotionally. I can support myself financially — I can’t support both of us — but I can always use encouragement. Be kind not just nice.

Teenage to adult children are okay but not required. Divorced is understandable. Pets are okay, even the unusual ones like reptiles or hedgehogs. Hobbies or interests are a good thing. Be a sci fi buff or a theater geek or a homebrewer or something. I prefer something I can share with him, but that’s not cast in stone. I mean, I want to spend time doing my hobbies and hanging with the girls, he should be able to pursue his interests and hang with the boys.

Oh, and I am back to the ex’es. Don’t lie to me. Don’t say things with the intent of deceiving me. Don’t be looking for the next girlfriend. Don’t put your vices ahead of me. Don’t mock me. Don’t put me down to your friends. Don’t ignore me. Don’t avoid me. I have had men do all those things. And they hurt.

I need to think some more, now, about what I bring to the table. Because otherwise I am just making demands, and that’s not fair.

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Meeting People and My Work

I have decided that I’d like to date again, even have a long term relationship.  This is huge for me, this is something I never thought I’d do again.  Truly it has been 10 years since my last relationship.  I figured I was on my own until the end of my life, when I would move back in with my daughter.

The biggest problem is, how do you meet people?  When you’re young, you just meet.  You go out with friends and meet their friends.  You meet people at school or at work.  Then you settle down and family life takes over.  I was single into my 30’s so I lost a LOT of friends to marriage and family.  I don’t begrudge that, I think it’s to be expected.  Family takes energy and time so you just don’t have it for outside activities.  That’s okay.  But it does mean that your single friends move on in different ways and maybe you aren’t that close any more.  So you’re on your own more and more and eventually you’re used to being alone.  How do you get out of that rut?

I asked my friend B.  The first thing is, he had to clarify to me that even though he was dating someone and is not now, that he is not looking for a relationship.  I must be a real dog in that any time I talk to single guy friends about relationships, they feel a need to be clear that they aren’t interested in me.  I don’t assume they are.  And I’m probably not interested in them.  After all, if there was mutual interest, we’d already be more than friends.  I just figured, if you want to meet single guys, ask a single guy where he goes to meet women.  B did tell me two places:  church and online.  I’m not churchy, so online it is.

My friend K has been looking for a partner for some time now.  She has had good luck with online dating sites so I asked her what she thought.  She told me a little about the ones she’s used — which ones were more hook up sites and which ones were more relationship oriented.  So now I’m on a few websites, seeing what I find.  (If you’re reading this and you want to know me, I suggest contacting me in the comments.  And I’m talking about friends, not just dating.)  Now K is beautiful so she gets lots of responses, I am middle aged and plain so I get fewer responses, but I have noticed a few patterns.

Yes I have a job.  No I am not working at the moment.  My job is an on-call disaster relief position so I only work when there is a disaster.  There is not a disaster at the moment so I am not working.  I don’t have a call-back date because disasters don’t come on a schedule.  I will not be going back to work on Monday, this is not a vacation, it is a furlough.

Having said that I am not currently working, I want to clarify that I don’t expect you to support me.  I can support myself.  I am not a gold digger.  I am not looking for a man to take financial care of me.  To balance that, I don’t make enough money to support another person (if I did, it would be my daughter), so don’t expect me to pay for your life.

I don’t want to go dutch.  I don’t have extra money at the moment, so I can’t afford to do a lot of activities.  But even if I was rich, I would want the man to pay for dates.  Unless I asked, in that case I would expect to pay.  The thing here is, I have had a number of serious relationships where all the resources went to the man’s benefit.  Now if you want my interest, you need to be willing so spend a little money on me too.  Not for my necessities, I can pay my own rent and utilities, I am an adult; but gosh pay for dinner or bring flowers or something that makes me feel like you think I’m worth the effort.

Please take the time and pay attention to actually know me.  If I have told you three times that I am furloughed, don’t keep asking how my day at work is going.  If you asked me when the last time was that I flashed someone and I stopped talking, accept that this is not going to be a hook up.  If I don’t ask you about your blow job comment, don’t send me a dick pic.  If I say I read Charles de Lint, don’t recommend John Grisham.  Or at least ask me what kind of books Charles de Lint writes.  Know that my taste runs to steampunk industrial and don’t buy me american traditional.  Even though I love Frank Lloyd Wright.  I am smart and open minded and unfortunately I don’t have a sense of humor.  I am what I am and it’s not going to change much at this point.

So here I am venting.  I don’t think I’m unreasonable, just a little worked up at the moment.  Frustrated.  And trying to make it work out.  Because I don’t want to be alone any more.