The 5 Tigers represent the big things in life. This blog is about facing them.

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The Power of Realistic Thinking

One of the issues I often face as a bipolar person is the question of whether I am living in reality or in my own world.

Nothing wrong with having a world of your own. Any innovator or inventor has a strong internal world that they want to bring to light. Nicola Tesla, Buckminster Fuller, Steven Jobs – to name a few – all had a particular vision of the world that wasn’t real until they created it. But they also were rooted in scientific thinking.

Sometimes my internal world, well, it can get very different from reality. It’s easy to see it when I am depressed or manic, but harder to discern when I am hypomanic or dysthymic. That is, if I am suicidal it relatively easy to detect that my thinking is dysregulated. I tend to use absolutes like “I’m going to feel this way forever, it will never change.” Or if I believe that the weatherman on TV is sending me coded messages about my daughter’s welfare. I might be fully convinced of the truth of these things, but they aren’t true. They aren’t real. They are lies my bipolar tells me.

There is a tendency to see the opposite of depressed thinking as positive thinking, but that can also be a lie for me. “You can spend this money, there is plenty of money available,” is positive thinking but it will get me into trouble at the end of the month when bills are due. I want to believe in abundance but I am not a temporarily embarrassed millionaire, as John Steinbeck says most Americans think of themselves. I am a middle aged working class white woman. I have some privileges but unlimited money is not one of them and it does me no good to act as if it is.

If the power of positive thinking isn’t the answer, what is?

A friend of mine calls it non-negative thinking. I call it realistic thinking. It’s the power of having your internal world align with consensual reality. If I fact check myself with 2 other people, there is probably a high degree of agreement. It’ll never be 100% but it can be pretty darn close.

What is consensual reality? It is the world that we all agree exists. This is the planet Earth. Water is wet. Two solid objects can’t occupy the same place at the same time. Humans don’t fly by flapping their arms. We give our consent that these things are true and real. You know that if someone is moving his arms up and down intensely and taking little leaps into the air, he has probably left the realm of consensual reality. Again, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, think of a small child playing at being a bird. But if an adult is doing it who really believes he’s just having a day when aerodynamics are working against him, he’s probably a little out of touch.

If I am depressed and telling myself that the misery will never end, most people can see I’m out of touch with reality and they’ll either understand or try to fix me. But if I am dysthymic, I might say, “I won’t go to hell when I die, I’m already there” which other people would find cynical, but not necessarily out of consensus. What I need is a way to break out of the negative cycle of thinking.

One piece of this is universal acceptance. There are 3 main kinds of acceptance: universal self acceptance, universal other acceptance, and universal life acceptance. The goal of any of them is to accept things as they are. For example, universal self acceptance would mean comparing yourself to an ideal self, to your own self in the past, or to other people. You accept yourself as you are. I accept my depressed self as she is, which can be hard.

Another piece is the fact checking I mentioned. I can go to a friend or a trusted advisor and verify that I am in fact not in hell even though I might feel like it. I can see that there are no little devils with pitchforks and I don’t smell brimstone. Or if you are less literal, my friend could remind me that I am not experiencing eternal misery. Oh sure I’m miserable right now, but at other times I have been happy.

That’s a truth for me about being bipolar, that feelings and situations come and go. I am never fully balanced, I am always in the act of balancing. My friend can remind me that I have been through this before, I will make it through this time, and it will probably circle around again. Nowadays I look for those cycles, so that I know what to expect. Maybe two days of not sleeping is followed by sleeping for a week. Maybe feeling like I can do anything leads to using so much energy that I can’t get out of bed. Maybe euphoria precedes anger. If I know the anger is coming, I can make plans. Avoid people for a few days, stay out of stressful situations, warn people that I’m a little touchy at the moment.

A third tool that works for me is journaling. I try (and don’t really succeed) to write every day. Some days I remember to journal, other days I write letters or blog. Letters obviously get mailed off, but journaling and blogging leave me a record of my mood or my thinking. I get to observe the patterns. And I get to read my own wisdom. Like most people, I know a lot about coping that I forget when I’m in the moment. I am so busy feeling stressed that I forget sitting down for a minute to play with the cat will soothe me until I read it in my journal. And that’s the beauty of the WRAP program, that I can go to the section about being stressed and see that I have chosen tools like “pet the cat”, “take a hot shower” or “remember to eat something” which I might not be able to bring to mind at the moment.

Speaking of WRAP, I am raising some money to offer the teaching to low income people. Here is the link to my fundraiser: If you can’t donate, could you at least share the link?

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy my current even keel. I am neither manic nor depressive at the moment and it’s a great relief to feel average. Functioning within designated parameters, so to speak. Except that I’m awake at 2 am and not tired. I’d better go look at my WRAP and see what I can do to put myself to sleep.

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What Do I Bring to the Table?

So I’ve posted my “I want” list, this is my “I am” list.

What do I bring to a relationship?

I am loyal. Stupidly loyal, ask my family about my ex husband, but there you are.

I can support myself. I don’t expect someone to pay my bills for me. In fact, I will never be financially dependent on another person if I can help it. I plan to work for 20 more years, which is into my 70’s, as long as I’m able to.

I expect and assume the best of people. This makes me a little naive and gullible. I am easy to deceive which is great if you’re planning a surprise party for me and not great if you’re cheating. I’ve had both.

I don’t do fights. I tend to leave the room if I’m upset and come back when I have something I can say calmly. I prefer to see anger as an indicator that something needs to be addressed, and to come back with a solution not just to complain. I am solution oriented. Although, there are times when I just need to vent.

I will support you in whatever you want to do. I will even put my desires aside to help you with yours but be careful of that because it can make me resentful. Yes, even though I choose it. I need you to be supportive of me too.

I have become more guarded. You will need to work at getting past my hard outer shell. I am told the creamy center is worth it.

I’m adventurous. I will try things, at least things that aren’t beyond my physical ability, because I am not buff.

I’m not a hottie. That means I have had to work harder and settle for less. It means you can reap the benefit of that, because I am likely to go the extra mile and make more of an effort.

I am looking for someone who I am their One. I like the idea of polyamory but I feel like I’m always competing for “my” guy’s attention and that gets to me. I want to be comfortable in a relationship, not always on edge. I want to be able to say “yeah, go with whoever you want” and be sure that he will come home with me. I don’t mind flirting, but he is mine.

I am secure in myself. I know who I am at this age and I’m good with me. I won’t be looking for constant validation. I know whether these pants make me look fat and I’m not looking to pick a fight.

I believe in time alone and time with friends. I don’t need you around 24 / 7 although I may want you around. Need and want are very different. I have friends and hobbies and I don’t want to give them up just because there is suddenly a man in my life.

I am smart. I am putting myself through college and I am 3 classes from the degree. It’s taken me a long time to get here and I plan to finish it.

I am not religious. I can do the church thing as part of life but not my whole life. And frankly I’d rather sleep in on a Sunday. I need a day of rest.

I am bipolar so balance is very important to me. I spend a huge amount of time seeking balance and that includes in relationships. Now balance is not static, it is dynamic so it takes constant attention. Obsession is not good for me, neither my own nor someone else’s.

I love animals, but especially cats. I am city girl rather than a country girl. I live right outside of Dallas, and it doesn’t feel like enough of a city to me. But I am a bi-coastal girl at heart.

I have some friends, S and H, who have what is to me about the perfect relationship. They live 4 houses apart by accident — they bought the houses before they met. They’ve been together something like 30 years now. They’ll probably never get married. And they adore each other. I kind of want that, though probably in a neighborhood I could afford! lol I can support myself but I’m not wealthy.

I’ll think some more about this but that’s a good list to start.