I am still so sick. This has become a cold, a bad cold, but just a cold. I’ve been blowing my nose for over a week now. How can there be room for this much gunk in my head? My brain must be shrinking. My face hurts from sinuses being too stretched.
I can’t smell anything. Or at least I am starting to smell stuff again but I can’t always tell what the source is. Roommate L was making cauliflower and I could tell she was cooking something but I couldn’t tell what. I suppose that’s an improvement.
As crappy as I feel, a week ago I was taking medicine to feel this good. So I MUST be doing better, right?
We talked about anger in group today. I find that I don’t often feel angry. Part of it I’m sure is that I am medicated into complacency. It’s hard for me to feel big emotions right now, and I’m okay with that. Big emotion seems to make me sick. Part of it is, there just really isn’t that much to get that mad about. And part of it is that I tend to downplay anger. I’m not mad, I’m irritated, bothered, annoyed, perturbed, whatever. It all means angry, I should learn to own it.
What does it mean to own my anger? Well, to know that it’s part of me. It’s probably something that bothers me or where I feel a lack. There’s an issue of some kind that is unresolved and itchy and I’m either unaware or not handling it well. It’s not coming from outside me somewhere, I’m not channeling someone, I’m not possessed, and frankly I’m not that empathic. I am just angry about something and I need to own that. Once I own it, I can work on expressing it better.
It’s very hard for me to say I’m angry. It was the great unspoken emotion in my family of origin. Dad was funny-mean when he was angry, and if you said something, he’d say it was a joke and you didn’t have a sense of humor. Mom’s anger was never taken seriously. I just didn’t get angry. There was always a reasonable response to anything that made me mad so I learned not to overreact and to wait to be told why my feeling wasn’t valid. That wasn’t for all emotions, just for anger.
So I learned not to act angry and I understood that as not being angry. I think I had one fight with my father as a teenager. But being understated doesn’t mean not having feelings. I am not Mr Spock, I am human and I have the full range of human emotions.
So I am learning to accept that I get angry and figuring out what to do with it when it happens. I am growing. Maybe someday I’ll be an adult.