Kiss5Tigers

The 5 Tigers represent the big things in life. This blog is about facing them.

How Do You Know What You Want?

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I opened up an ebook that is mostly about goal setting for the year. The first question in the first exercise completely stumped me.

“I’d like to experience ______”

Well I have no idea what I’d like to experience. I feel like I know nothing, there is so much out there, so many options, how can a person choose? It’s not that I want to experience it all, but not making a choice is like choosing nothing, and I don’t want to come to the end of my life without experiencing anything.

Now some things I’ve done. I’ve given birth, that’s a biggie. I’ve been married and divorced. I’ve been in love and I’ve truly hated someone (just one). I’ve lived alone and I’ve lived with people. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I’ve eaten great food, and I’ve eaten hot dogs and ramen. I don’t feel like I’m deprived in any way, I’ve experienced a lot.

I want to go to Alaska, but I will do that one day. Or Elcie and I will. Just like we’ll go to Japan. But that doesn’t seem right. I feel like that doesn’t answer the question.

I’m thinking I’d like to have a relationship again. It’s been, what, 10 years now? I’m a little tired of being single. Though I don’t know where in my life I’d fit a relationship. I feel like life is pretty full most of the time. I have roommates, friends, a daughter. There sure are a lot of people in my life. I want to be special to someone, though, and I want to have sex again. Not random sex, I could do that pretty easily, but meaningful sex. Connection.

I guess I’d like to experience love again, but that seems like a facile answer. And there really is a lot of love in my life, just not the romantic kind.

A friend of mine suggests I’m overthinking, that it could be something as simple as “I want to experience walking in a warm rain.” Which is another thing I’ve done, actually. But I get her point.

I can’t achieve a goal if I don’t have a goal. I just never thought much about goal setting and now, well, I don’t know how to do it. I’ve spent so much of life learning to just accept what happens, I’m well past the age of developing agency but here I am.

I’d like to experience the certainty of a clear path.

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Author: Allison Leonard / Kiss5Tigers

I like sci-fi movies, and I noticed that I like the noir ones best. They are almost universally set in a sort of post-apocalyptic dystopia. I later realized, I find them comforting and familiar, probably because I live there, at least in my inner life. Perhaps things are not as bleak as they seem, or perhaps I am simply learning to keep a better attitude. This is the chronicle of my adventures. May you find something valuable here.

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