Why do I blog?
Why does anyone blog, if you think about it?
Surely I don’t think the minutiae of my life are that fascinating, and I don’t have deep or universal thoughts very often.
For me it has to do with connection. I don’t tweet because 140 characters doesn’t seem like enough to me. Facebook is good but I don’t feel like I can fully expound an idea there. It needs to be short enough to keep people’s interest so nothing too long. Maybe a paragraph. Maybe 2 if the subject needs it.
But sometimes I want to say more. I want to connect with people in a longer thought, not a sound bite. Or I want to say something that doesn’t seem suited to the public forum of Facebook. I suppose a blog is actually more public, since it lasts longer than a standard post on FB, which lasts longer than some other sites do.
At the end of the day, I am reaching out across the existential abyss to see if anyone else resonates to my ideas. I hope someone reaches back.
I know people read my blog. I get notifications from WordPress when people decide to follow me. I don’t know if they come back though. I have over 100 followers but I don’t have 100 hits on my posts, usually 2 or 3. And they aren’t the same 2 or 3 because they come from different countries. Though I do have a LOT of Americans that read me. I am surprised by how many people in India read my blog. But very few comments. I guess I am not controversial enough to prompt response.
I do read blogs from other people from time to time. One friend writes about his trauma and loss. Another writes about her insecurities in a way that makes you want to hug her. People comment on their stuff, but not so much on mine. I think it’s because it’s not as emotional. I don’t touch people in that visceral way.
Which is probably medication related. I used to think big. I used to write about things like love, homelessness, the human condition, why we should take care of each other, God. Now my brain is full of the present moment, which for me is usually quite tolerable. So life is tolerable or even good. I don’t feel deeply any more. And when I do, I can’t articulate it. I have issues with Trump and I can’t really explain it to people. I mean, he brings out the worst in Americans, but I can’t tell you specifically why I believe that. I can agree with the people who articulate it, but that doesn’t seem like enough. I can’t have a discussion because I can’t say what I think. I don’t seem to actually think anything, I just have a knowing deep inside. Is that what it’s like for most people? If so, I miss being neurodivergent, I felt quicker and more full of life. I felt like I understood things.
Nothing against being in the moment. People work very hard at being here, now, to reference Ram Dass. I get that anxiety is obsession with the future and depression is obsession with the past. Live in the present. I get it. But it’s all I can do. I can’t see the big picture any more. I can’t put things into perspective. My mood is good though and life is manageable, so isn’t that what I want?
All of which is a very far way from why I blog, but there it is. I blog to connect because I feel disconnected even from myself. I blog to communicate with myself.
Though I still hope for comments from people.