The 5 Tigers represent the big things in life. This blog is about facing them.

Tummy Troubles

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Fair warning:  I am going to talk about my physical health and it ain’t pretty.

I went to my gastro doctor because I was having some, ahem, digestive issues.  As in, I would get the urge to go, and not be able to make it to the bathroom.  I figured, something is wrong.  So we worked on it for a week, and figured out it is milk.  No more milk for me.  I will miss cheese and ice cream most.

But also I am anemic, that is, my red blood count is low.  Apparently white is not high, so it’s not an infection.  So Gastro Guy (makes him sound like a super hero) said, when there is no reason for the anemia, probably you are bleeding somewhere.  He sent me for more blood tests just to be sure.

Tuesday I did the blood tests.  Thursday after 6 I got a call from the doctor’s office.  Blood tests show anemia, no specific cause.  Colonoscopy scheduled for Saturday at 7 am.  So this is serious enough that they call me after hours, and want to do the procedure as soon as possible.  I’m pretty sure the doctor doesn’t usually work weekend mornings.  Of course I still don’t know what’s going on, this is all exploratory.

Before the scoping, you have to clean yourself out.  Fortunately they give you a special drink for this, it isn’t something you have to figure out on your own.  I started fasting Thursday night at midnight.  At noon I tried to pick up the drink.  Nope, they didn’t have the prescription.  Okay.  I was supposed to start the cleansing process at 6 pm, still plenty of time.

I called the doctor’s office.  The person who handles prescriptions was at lunch.  Okay, cool, I can wait.  About 3:30 I called the pharmacy, still nothing.  I called the doctor’s office again.  The receptionist answered the phone with my name.  Oops, I must have called too many times.  She put me on hold.  I sat on hold for a long-ass time.  She finally came back on the line and let me know that she just got off the phone with the pharmacy.  I know she didn’t make the call until I was on the phone, but I’m just glad she did it.

About 4:30, I left my friend’s house.  I got to the pharmacy and, yay, picked up my cleanse.  It cost $50.  So, unpleasant and expensive.  I can also tell you that it tastes terrible, so we hit the trifecta of medicinal nirvana.  By now it was rush hour so I knew it would take a while to get home.  I was north of Dallas and I live south of Dallas, so this would be a drive through the heart of the city at the most trafficky time of day.  Lovely. After 45 minutes in traffic, I stopped at the book store.  I bought two magazines and texted my roommate.  Then I got back in the car and made it the rest of the way home.  Did I mention that I was very hungry and empty at this time?

So it was after 6:30 when I took my first dose.  I hope that wasn’t too late.  Pour the bottle of stuff into the cup provided and add water until it’s full.  Then drink it down, followed by two more cups of water.  The stuff is NASTY.  It smells grape, it tastes like plastic, and has an unpleasant aftertaste like artificial sweetener.  No particular one, take your pick, whichever one has the worst aftertaste to you.

I think it took me half an hour to drink the stuff down.  Finally I feel full.  Nauseated, but full.  But nauseated.  As in, not sure I could keep it down.  Afraid to burp.  Then the cleanse started working.  I went to the bathroom 3 times in half an hour.  I started drinking the water.  It further activated the cleanse.  I will say though that after drinking the stuff, it was easy to get all that water down.

I am just now starting to settle down, 3 hours later.  I still feel like I need to dash in there from time to time, but really I am so full of liquid and fiber, I’m basically shitting water.  Explosively.  Unendingly.  Really unpleasant, to put it mildly.

I know the drill.  I need to watch the color and consistency.  It should get lighter and thinner.  No food, even though it’s all I can think of.  Take a nap and off to the scoping.  My roommate is going to drive me.  If only.  The second round starts at 2 am.  I’m not looking forward to it.  Since the only working bathroom in the house right now is in the master suite, my roommate isn’t looking forward to it either.  At least I don’t have to go through the bedroom to access the bathroom.

This is a cluster fuck.  I hope it’s worth the headache.

Author: Allison Leonard / Kiss5Tigers

I like sci-fi movies, and I noticed that I like the noir ones best. They are almost universally set in a sort of post-apocalyptic dystopia. I later realized, I find them comforting and familiar, probably because I live there, at least in my inner life. Perhaps things are not as bleak as they seem, or perhaps I am simply learning to keep a better attitude. This is the chronicle of my adventures. May you find something valuable here.

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