I’ve been offline the past few months because I haven’t had much to say. It seems like life has been going on smoothly, which is normal or perhaps I mean typical. Nothing much to report.
Then my aunt died. And I couldn’t cry until the funeral. For 3 days I couldn’t cry even though I wanted to. It wasn’t until I saw my cousin’s son crying that it hit me and I finally wept.
I think it’s the meds. They keep me very even keeled regardless of whether that’s appropriate or not. Oh I suppose it’s better to be low keyed than over expressive but there are times when a little emotion is the right thing.
Now I am taking time off of work. I got overwhelmed by my new manager and my homework and since I can’t swap shifts, I had no way to get time off. I freaked. I look okay because the meds keep me calm but I haven’t been able to deal with anything.
Mind, August is a bad month for me anyway. I remember mom thinking I just got bored at the end of summer and when I perked up in September she associated it with being back in school. Well I’ve been out of public school since 1982 and August still sucks. Nowadays I attribute it to my parents’ deaths (mom was August 21, dad was September 22) but the pattern was there before that happened.
So I am feeling pretty good but I can’t handle anything. I’m off work, I see the doctor on the 6th, we’ll see what happens. I am tired of being centered all the time, I’d like to be a little bit up and down. Or at least I’d like to feel like I have the capacity to be happier or sometimes sad. Right now I am just flat. Happy in general, but flat at that level.
I suppose it could be worse, but could it be better?