I’ve been offline the past few months because I haven’t had much to say.  It seems like life has been going on smoothly, which is normal or perhaps I mean typical.  Nothing much to report.

Then my aunt died.  And I couldn’t cry until the funeral.  For 3 days I couldn’t cry even though I wanted to.  It wasn’t until I saw my cousin’s son crying that it hit me and I finally wept.

I think it’s the meds.  They keep me very even keeled regardless of whether that’s appropriate or not.  Oh I suppose it’s better to be low keyed than over expressive but there are times when a little emotion is the right thing.

Now I am taking time off of work.  I got overwhelmed by my new manager and my homework and since I can’t swap shifts, I had no way to get time off.  I freaked.  I look okay because the meds keep me calm but I haven’t been able to deal with anything.

Mind, August is a bad month for me anyway.  I remember mom thinking I just got bored at the end of summer and when I perked up in September she associated it with being back in school.  Well I’ve been out of public school since 1982 and August still sucks.  Nowadays I attribute it to my parents’ deaths (mom was August 21, dad was September 22) but the pattern was there before that happened.

So I am feeling pretty good but I can’t handle anything.  I’m off work, I see the doctor on the 6th, we’ll see what happens.  I am tired of being centered all the time, I’d like to be a little bit up and down.  Or at least I’d like to feel like I have the capacity to be happier or sometimes sad.  Right now I am just flat. Happy in general, but flat at that level.

I suppose it could be worse, but could it be better?