I think I am a little hypomanic right now. I’m not sleeping well. I slept about an hour and a half and I’m up again. Not sleepy. Don’t want to take another sleeping pill because I do have to get up for work today. And I have to get up early for me, too, since I have to be there 2 hours earlier than my usual start time.
My roommate Fred has noticed my sleeping issues. “You’re going to make yourself sick,” he says. “You need more down time. You’re doing too much.”
Here’s the thing, though. Doing too much won’t make me sick; doing too much is a sign that I’m already sick. Or at least that I’m having an episode that is part of my mental illness. The crash will come. Not because I have worn myself out but because the glorious upswing has an inevitable down side.
I don’t really know how to talk about this either. I’m not sick, not like that. I dislike mental illness or mental disorder, and “behavioral health concern” is a little too politically correct for my taste. I have bipolar. I have ups and downs that are more up and more down than average people. The ups do not cause the downs, they are two sides of the same coin.
So no I’m not making myself sick. I’m not wearing myself out by doing too much. I am already unbalanced into too much energy and my system will correct itself in a couple of weeks.
The only reason this is a problem is that it can impact work. Fred, as a person I have a financial responsibility to, is rightly concerned that I’ll have another episode like last summer where I ended up out of work for 3 months. I won’t lie, it could happen. But I’m trying the sleep meds and I’ll have lots of down time while I’m house sitting for my cousin.
Homeostasis is not stagnant, it is the process of systems correcting themselves. Balance, balance, balance. Someday I hope to find it.