So the question was, what is stopping you? My friend’s sister, who may or may not be some version of psychic depending on what you believe, asked me what is stopping me from pursuing my dreams. I had to sit with that a while and then I decided to draw it.
So there she is. That’s the thing, she isn’t scary or evil or a monster. She is the little old lady voice in the back of my head, the voice that says “Are you sure?” or “That’s not a real job” or “What if you fail?” She’s about age, because there has been so much failure for me in the financial sense and she is worried that she won’t be able to take care of herself now that she isn’t young. She’s afraid of being sick and alone or at least less than optimum and alone, afraid of needing someone and not having someone there to help.
It’s not like these are unreasonable concerns. My great aunt fell at home and it was 3 days before anybody realized that none of us had heard from her during that time. She was a busy lady so not connecting was not a sign something was wrong in and of itself. It got me thinking about myself, though. I was living alone, working a temp job, seeing my daughter maybe once a week if I could get away from work. If I had fallen in the tub, not shown up at work, missed a visit, would anyone have thought to check on me? So being alone and having something catastrophic happen is not unreasonable in my world. If I can’t take care of myself and I can’t rely on someone else to be there, I’d better either have money or avoid catastrophe, and it isn’t always possible to avoid catastrophe.
I think if it was unreasonable, I could ignore it or address it. But since it’s shrouded in terms of reason and self care and minimizing risk for safety’s sake, that’s a whole ‘nother level of subtlety.
And it’s still fear at its root. It’s fear that I have wasted resources pursuit of the impossible and now I need those resources but they aren’t available. I don’t want to end up the badly-dressed vacant-eyed old lady wandering the halls of some dirty half-lit old age home looking for a daughter who doesn’t come to visit because it’s just too damned depressing. Finding the way to avoid that is my current goal.