Kiss5Tigers

The 5 Tigers represent the big things in life. This blog is about facing them.


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Work and Other Activities



I work now. I work at Michael’s. I also shop there. This is bad for me. I spent $30 yesterday which I really shouldn’t have but the stuff was marked down for stock reduction so if I didn’t get it, it might not be there in a week. Still, I didn’t need it right away. I could have waited, because there will be other cool stuff in the future.

So work. It’s a lot of banging a cash register, which is fine. I made a sale yesterday to a gentleman for over $600. It took forever to ring up, the line just kept getting longer while I was doing it, but it was quite a purchase. More than I’m going to earn this month.

I was asked to answer phones yesterday. Apparently there is a phone at some of the registers and when you’re at a register with a phone, you’re supposed to answer it. Now I object to that, though I haven’t said anything. When I am shopping, I don’t want the clerk stopping to answer the phone. I want their attention. I am the one who is there trying to give them money, ignore the damn phone. So when I am with a customer, I am totally with them. Treat people the way you want to be treated. I honestly don’t even hear the phone ring. But it bothers the other people so I’m trying to figure out a method for doing this. I can listen in between customers, though that won’t help if I get another $600 purchase.

I need to follow up with DBSA tomorrow. R asked me about it. In case you, dear reader, don’t recall, we are trying to put together a WRAP class for the community. The problem is, we need a place to hold it. R likes to do it as an 8 week course, so we need a place without a big fee. We’d like to use one of the facilities at the Meadows Foundation but they require particular paperwork showing DBSA’a status as a 501(c)3 charity. I am working with national headquarters to get it, but so far no luck. So tomorrow I need to send another email and see what’s going on with that.

I did some painting the other day. Craft type painting. I am making the bases for other projects, such as painting little boxes that I will decorate. I really need to do other kinds of painting. Because hopefully I will be able to participate in the art show on the 23rd. I guess i need to request the day off.

I will be house-sitting for K from the 20th to the 3rd. I’m looking forward to it. I need to get on top of my ecourse because that would be the perfect time to record the vocals. Her house is quiet and tidy so filming me would be okay. I’m gonna need a headset with a microphone. I need to pay for my blog right quick here too. I think I know how my last unemployment payment will be spent!

So it is almost 1:00 and I have work at 2:30. Time to get myself ready.




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Feeling Productive

I called Michael’s today because I had no idea what my hours are. This week I am working Thursday and Saturday. The 2 days I was hoping not to work are Thursday and Saturday. Oh well. Thursday I asked M to facilitate the group. I need to remember to tell him what page we are on so he can prepare. I’m a pantser, I fly by the seat of my pants. Saturday I had plans with my daughter, so we moved them to Sunday.

I finished the fingerless gloves and matching hat. I’ll post a picture later. I’m working on another bucket hat. I love the yarn colors so much, I am wondering about doing a blanket. But the yarn is a little stiff, craft yarn more than garment yarn, so maybe not. Or maybe a car blanket.

I watched a documentary on microdosing with psychedelics. I’m thinking, if I could find a drug trial for LSD, I’d apply in a hot minute. I could use getting some gunk kicked loose in my brain.

I viewed the video of Marney Makridakis‘ class “The Muse vs. Monster Mash”. Enjoyed it. I admit, I did not do the art activities in the real world, but I did imagine them and think about them. The Monster of course is the thing that holds you back and the Muse is the impetus to be creative. My Monster told me he wants me to be traditional. My Muse said to follow my dreams. She says the purpose of life is not to be safe, but to be fully myself.

I went to group today. We talked about creativity. I have so much to learn about being creative. The biggest thing for me is, don’t quit on projects. Keep going to the end.

It’s already November 5 and I haven’t started my NaNoWriMo yet, so I think I’ll just let it go for this year. November is a hard month for me to do this, August would be better. I might just try it in August, actually, the only real difference would be that there is no community doing it with me. I can live with that.

I took out 5 bags of trash today. I got the bathroom, kitchen and F’s trash. Then L asked me if I was taking the trash out of the other bathroom. I hadn’t planned to but that sounded more like instructions than an actual question so I got that one. And F asked me to get the confetti bits out of the shredder bin. So 5 bags. Hopefully back to 3 next Monday.

Tomorrow I am hoping to go to morning group then come home and make art. There is a possibility of being in an art show and I need some art to show. I don’t think I’ve ever been in an exhibition before.

Oh, it’s my birthday on Wednesday. If you’re just dying to give me a present, I have a wish list on Amazon and one on Yozocraft. Not that I expect you want to buy me stuff. I’ll settle for a donation to Heifer International.

Looks like a good week, all things told.


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Feeling Unattractive

First I want to post the most recent photo I have of myself:

Me, October 2019, photo by Mike Fiddleman of Fidd Worldwide

It’s a candid shot, which is the best way to photograph me. I don’t pose well. I don’t come from a family that took photos very regularly so I am vaguely uncomfortable with the whole process.

I like that it’s a natural expression for me. This is what I look like. I wonder what I was laughing at.

But I look at it, and I see 2 things: how plain I am and how fat I am.

I mean, fat. Yep, I weigh 275, so I’m not skinny. But I forget that my body is as big as it is, especially when I am so hungry so often. I mean, look at those arms! I got Hulk Hogan‘s 22 inch guns without the firepower. I get tired of people telling me “you’re not fat”. That’s not what my doctor says. And it’s not what my experience of my body says. Oh, yeah, and it’s not what my dating life says.

I am also plain. I don’t mean ugly, but not pretty. I know this from my dating life too. I am the girl who hears, “I’m a great guy, introduce me to your friend, because pretty girls don’t see what a great guy I am because I’m not handsome.” Well you know what buddy? You’re treating me the way you say you get treated. I don’t think you’re so great.

I am so tired of being single that a guy friend of mine bought me a soda, and I spent an hour wondering if it “meant something”. Well of course it doesn’t, it was just a friend picking up the tab. I’ll get it the next time. No big.

I do get an offer from time to time, but they are mostly from people I know in open relationships. It’s flattering in a way, I mean it’s flattering when someone is interested even if it’s not reciprocal. But most of them, well, I don’t want to be your bit on the side, I want to be someone’s person. I’m holding out for being special to someone.

It’s been 10 years since someone asked me out on a date. That’s a long time. It wears me down in a way, to know I’m not special to anyone. I’m a great gal, says my married friend C. Yeah, I am, but who knows it? Or maybe, who appreciates it? I’m not pretty enough for my wonderfulness to be noticed.

So maybe when I have money again I’ll join a gym. I miss working with weights and that’s much easier for me at a health club than it is at home. But it makes me sad that I am somehow not good enough as I am.

Why not me? But apparently, not me.


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The Conversations We Have

This is going to be the first Friday of the month and Infliction has a $5 cover charge, so a group of us is going. Infliction is a BDSM club, so it will be quite an interesting night. No link to this one, I’m afraid.

You can tell, I’m not a prude. I’m not having sex in public (who am I kidding, I’m not having sex in private either) but I like the atmosphere. People are just plain body positive. They wear anything, and if you feel good in it, you’re good.

Last time I was there, I ran into my friend J. J is a cross dresser. He’s straight, so he’s not a transsexual. He has a girlfriend, although I haven’t met her. She won’t go to clubs like that so he goes alone. I don’t know if I could be in a relationship with someone that I couldn’t share my whole life with. But it seems to be working for them, so who am I?

Anyway, J was wearing a fabulous red dress and his good falsies, and it was fun to see him. I just don’t expect to find people I know from other venues (comic cons and renaissance faires) at the club.

This will be the second time I’ve been to the club. I’m not looking for anything, just good people watching.

I am thinking of inviting my friend T, just because he needs to get out. He could bring his latest conquest, or I suppose B. She’s a baby submissive. She might be interested in seeing the scene.

So tonight’s discussion around the house, roommates and I, is what you get out of the event. For me, it’s just to get out and go someplace I’m accepted in spite of not being pretty. For L, it seems to be the eye candy. For F, it’s about the exchange of energy.

There is a member of the group who has a foot fetish, and he is offering to give foot rubs to all the ladies. Another member is a little, not a diaper infant although we’ve seen those, but she has a youngster persona. I don’t find that sexy, but I guess someone does.

For me, I think I come across as a top but I am not. I want a man who is a stronger person than I am. I am a queen, but I want a king not a boy toy. I don’t get my jollies being in charge. And I don’t mean a jerk, I mean an alpha. Very few of those, however, and they prefer the hot chick, which I am not.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a great person, I’m just not hot, and I’m mostly fine with it. Or I’d be doing something about it, yanno? I mean, I could work out or something but I don’t. I could make changes to my body, but there are other things I want to do with my time, so that goes by the wayside.

Anyway, we are coming up on my birthday so I am counting this as a birthday outing. We are going for pancakes afterward, so I’m gonna make them sing “Happy Birthday” to me.

After all, if you can’t get a group of perverts to sing to you for your birthday, what’s the point? And yes, I guess I’m a pervert too. It’s what makes life interesting. Just another way I’m neurodivergent, I suppose.


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I Got the Vest

I work at Michael’s now. It’s official. I even have the red vest. It’s a very busy store so I work registers and get no minute to breathe but that’s good. The job would be boring if I wasn’t busy, just standing at a register waiting. I am still very slow at checking people out but I can do it. I’ll get speedy with practice. Or at least speedier.

It has rained twice tonight, just sudden downpour out of nowhere. I am cold and sitting in my jeans with a blanket across my lap. I will sleep with 2 blankets in bed tonight.

I need to tell work that I’m not available on Thursdays. I am facilitating group the next 3 weeks, and I have DBSA meetings on alternate Thursday nights. It’s easier to just request the day off than to have them try to keep track of it.

I want to write a letter to my friend Fishspit. I owe him a letter. I owe lots of people letters. I have been particularly unmotivated to write lately. I haven’t even journalled in months. I miss journalling.

I am thinking of NaNoWriMo this month (November) but I have no idea how I’ll manage all that writing with my current slackerly attitude.

I need to work on my ecourse. I paid for the course for that so I really should take advantage.

Speaking of courses I’ve paid for, there is my Japanese course on Rosetta Stone and my life coach courses on Udemy. I really need to get on with it.

I mean, I get up in the morning and fall asleep because I just can’t find anything to stay awake for. Well, there are 3 things right there. Not to mention my new shopping club.

I want dessert. I want amazing dessert, not just some cookies. I want hot pecan pie with ice cream. Or chocolate mousse or creme brulee. Rice pudding. Chocolate lava cake. Fried ice cream. I don’t know, just something. I would probably be happy with rice krispie treats or those yogurt covered pretzels. But here I am, drinking my water, eating some mixed nuts in a single serving package.

I left my meds box in Longview on the road trip. I thought T was gonna bring it by tonight, but I guess not. Weather is too icky for me to want to drive up there. I figure I’ll get it tomorrow or the next day.

I am almost out of meds at the moment, I’ll have to call the pharmacy. I have to call the doctor too. I got an automated call to remind me of an appointment on Friday, but I can’t make it so I chose the “reschedule” option. The system said, “Your appointment has been rescheduled” and hung up on me. I’m like, rescheduled for when? Because I’m thinking that’s something else I have to move to Thursday. I tried to call back but the outgoing message said the office was closed.

I am feeling my singleness very keenly lately. I want a companion. I wouldn’t mind a little sex but a warm body to sleep next to would be perfect. Someone to share adventures. But I am somehow not right. I don’t know if I’m not pretty enough or if it’s because I have no sense of humor or if they can smell the bipolar on me. I wish I could figure it out because then I could fix it. Or choose not to, but at least it would be a choice, not just the way things are.

Well, off to take my meds. Good night.


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Road Trip

I went with my friends T and B to Boomtown in Bossier City, LA.

Now this was a nice drive. I enjoy T. He is, as they say, unencumbered by truth. He tells some amazing stories, which are very entertaining, but I have known him long enough to know that they change over time.

I remember one story, about a song called The Sailor’s Prayer. We had just listened to it on a recording from a renaissance faire. That night, T said he’d heard that particular group sing it at a certain faire. That’s reasonable. By the third time I heard the story, the group sang it to T when he left the faire at the end. Less believable, and downright unbelievable if you’ve watched the story evolve over a week. I enjoy him, but by all means, take what he says with a grain of salt.

B is his ex wife. I’m not sure why they got married, she doesn’t seem like his type but who am I to make that determination? And he is often very angry with her, some of it justified and some of it simply judgmental. I like her. She’s a little pedantic – her word, not mine – and she is not adventurous. She likes her house and her bed.

They both referred to the other as bipolar. I am bipolar, I have some idea of what it is and what it’s not. Suddenly losing your temper, not it. That’s just getting fed up and acting out. In T’s case, it could be related to his very bad diabetes. As for B, well, I’d say she has anxiety and maybe PTSD, not that I’m a diagnostician. But more she gets pushed to her limit then loses it.

So there were a few tense moments on the trip, because as well as you get along with an ex, there’s no one like an ex for pushing your buttons. Most of the time they were fine.

I didn’t win big at Boomtown so we’ll just pass that part.

Sunday I spent sleeping. You would think there’d been more excitement in my weekend. But I did sleep on the floor of an apartment in Longview, so that’s probably why I was a little worn out.

Apparently I have sleep apnea. My friends noticed that I stop breathing in the night. It’s not the snoring that’s a problem, although it is a nuisance to other sleepers. It’s the not breathing that causes the problems. I have a theory that sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is sleep apnea in babies. It’s probably not original, but I haven’t done any real studying of either syndrome so it seems like a match to my uneducated self.

What I didn’t tell them is that sometimes I forget to breathe when I’m awake. I gather this is the kind of thing that’s supposed to be automatic but for me, not so much. Just one more thing my body does wrong I guess.


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Yeah, I’m Manic

Or at least I’m hypomanic, since I am not psychotic.

I feel like I could stay up all night again, I have things to do! I’m not over excited, I’m just darn busy.

Except of course Fred will make me put the light off so I can’t really write letters or work on my ecourse.

I bought a collection of wellness stuff. Of course it’s designed for active people which I am not. But since I am trying to eat more responsibly, I figured the protein bars would make a good breakfast. I am getting deucedly tired of eggs.

I ate a rice krispies bar with breakfast this morning and it was SO good. I’m thinking of having another one in a little while.

See? I just ADHD’ed my way into another topic. Squirrel! Wellness stuff right to I want a snack. Another sign of mania for me.

Anyway, here is the stuff:

shipment of good stuff

So 3 boxes of snack bars, 2 supplements, 2 energy boosters, a box of water flavors, and the chocolate shake mix with the mixing bottle. I figure it will make for a different breakfast if nothing else, and see what happens. Maybe a protein shake and an energy bar will see me through the day and I can finally get that fasting started.

I did see my psychiatrist the other day, and he agreed with me that maybe I should increase the mood stabilizer back up a notch. He thinks I have sleep apnea, however, and that’s the reason I have a hard time waking up, that I’m not sleeping well. I don’t mind doing the sleep study, but I’m not gonna sleep with the mask on. I am not comfortable sleeping on my back and I feel claustrophobic just thinking of wearing the elephant nose.

But it’s the shopping that has me a little worried. I’ve bought the wellness stuff in the picture, and some books, and some socks, and a box of cards. Oh, and stamps. And that’s just in the last 24 hours. That doesn’t include all the art supplies or the yarn that I have sitting in a cart or the zines that came the other day. Or the trip to the metaphysical shop. Or the bizarre bazaar. I love shopping, but I have to get it under control. This is too much. It’s stuff I don’t need. It’s not about the money, although I could easily spend way too much money; it’s about not needing things and buying them anyway.

And I want to say, except books. Because to me books are a special kind of magic. But even books with no place to go are clutter. Even very cool books. It breaks my heart, but it’s true.

Just naming the mania makes it better. I feel like, I am not in the grips of it, I am observing it and I can choose to feed it or not. And mostly I choose not.

I’ve had a little paranoia lately, thinking people are mad at me or talking about me when they aren’t. It seems reasonable in my head that folks are having emotions about me. How self centered! People are too busy with their own lives to worry that much about me. I mean, I’m wonderful and amazing, but so is everybody else. I’m not any more interesting than your own life. In fact, in a perfect world, your life is the most fascinating one for you. (I know what I want to say, I just can’t seem to say it gracefully.)

Hopefully in the next few days this will pass. The increase in meds should help. The fact that bipolar is cyclical should help. Convincing myself to sleep should help.

I have a lot of reading to do. I’m going to try reading a little and see if that settles me down into sleep. Better sleep hygiene will help with everything.